I was flipping through the channels today and I saw that show Idol Rewind, and I almost had a panic attack. Seeing less than two minutes of it, my heart felt like it stopped beating and I got so nervous. I don’t get it. I don’t think I care anymore. I just felt really scared.
Sometimes I think about growing up…..but thats all I really do. I just think about it I don’t actually do it. Maybe one of these days…..
Other than when I was 3 years old and I DECIDED to poop my pants…..I don’t think I’ve ever been any closer than this.
I can’t breathe.
I’m just not so sure I can do it anymore.
I love Sundays. Sundays are filled with the two best things in my life; God and my family. Today was my dads birthday so we all went out to eat together. It’s such a nice thing to just be together. The older I get the more I love and learn to appreciate them. Everyone isn’t as blessed as I am. My dad for example is the smartest person I know. I can ask him for advice and he will take the time out of his busy day to help me make wise decisions in my life. He is so generous and will help me at the drop of a hat. He hates to see me cry and still till this day at the age of 19 he still calls me babydoll. My mom is something very special. My relationship with Christ would be no where what it is today without the example she has set for me. She is a true woman of Christ. Again even though I’m 19 she still let’s me crawl in her bed when having a bad day. My brother Greg is someone who has taught me so much. I’ve never felt more connected to one person before. He truly understands me and we have the ultimate brother sister bond. Sometimes i feel like we are the same person. Last but not least is my other brother Chris. He has a very special place in my heart. When I think about Chris I find myself wishing I was more like him. Chris is the most caring and compassionate person I know. If Im ever in trouble I call Chris and I know I can depend on him to take care of me. I just feel overwhelmed with love today. There’s just something about Sundays.
I can’t stand: Bratty, dirty, smelly, farty, poopy, slobbery, nasty, unruly, spoiled, crusty, boogery, hyper, unmanageable, soggy, horrible, disgusting, frustrating, loud, ratty little Y.M.C.A. kids.
I thought I had gotten a lot better with kids. I almost though I kind of liked them some what.
Today proved me wrong. I have not changed and I think I’m getting worse. Day one in Child Watch was like jumping into a volcano on purpose.
I’ve been working all my normal shifts plus picking up every avaliable shift at work since I’ve been home. I’ve haven’t felt this routine in a long time. I think I’m saving for something, but who really knows. I’m just distracting myself and keeping myself busy so I can’t think about what’s really going on….or what I’m doing in my life.
I love the smell of old books.
Sometimes you just have to cry about things to get over them. Just one good cry to let go and move on.
But I just can’t cry about this. I’ve gotten a little teary eyed, but I haven’t had my “once and for all let go, ball my eyes out until I have a headache” cry. I have this process of things: get disappointed, get mad, get sad, put things into perspective, and then get over it.
It’s all just very hard for me. I can’t cry over this. I’ve tried. Without it I feel like I’ve left things unfinished. There is something very unsettling inside of me. I don’t know how to deal with it.
It’s just hard to get over something I don’t feel finished with.
